2014 NCAA Football Playoff All-Name Team

*Note: I didn’t break these down into specific positions. Anyone who plays on the O-Line, for example, was included in the O-Line section. Same goes for the D-Line and the D-backs. Frankly, this is the first time I’ve heard of many of these guys and I didn’t want to get technical. Also, I once claimed that an Iowa running back was tackled at the 70-yard line, so my football knowledge is somewhat limited.

OFFENSE

Quarterback:

JJ CosentinoThis was probably the toughest call of the whole exercise. There’s a bunch of good QB names among the four playoff teams, but no real great one. Runners-up: J.T. Barrett – Freshman – Ohio State; Cooper Bateman – Freshman – Alabama

Running backs:

Altee TenpennyKenyan Drake

I actually could have gone 3 deep with just ‘Bama backs and none of them would have been named T.J. Yeldon, which is a good name in it’s own right. Runners-up: Jalston Fowler – Senior – BAMA; Bri’onte Dunn – Sophmore – Ohio State

Wide Receivers:

Johnnie DixonKermit WhitfieldJohnnie Dixon isn’t a highlight-reel name, but it’s a solid name for a WR. Also, Kermit! I bet that’s even the face he makes when someone cracks a Sesame Street joke. Runners-up: Parker Barrineau – Junior – Alabama; Chet Iwuagwu – Freshman – Florida State

Tight End:

Pharaoh BrownIt’s pretty tough to make an all-name team with the last name Brown, but if this kid’s parents thought he was King Tut, who am I to disagree? Runners-up: Malcom Faciane – Junior – Alabama; TY Flournoy-Smith – Junior – Alabama

Offensive Line:

Ross PierschbacherBrigham StoehrStetzon BairMatt McFaddenBrock RubleHas anyone considered that Marcus Mariota’s success might be 100% due to the fact that he has a Brigham, a Stetzon, and a McFadden protecting him? Because that’s insane. Ross Pierschbacher might be the most O-Line name ever. Runners-up: J.C. Hassebauer – Freshman – Alabama; Hroniss Grasu (!!!) – Senior – Oregon

 

DEFENSE

Defensive Line:

Adolphus Washington Darius Slade     Lorenzo Featherston   Tui Talia I bet Urban Meyer is terrified of telling Adolphus Washington and Darius Slade to ride pine. Runners-up: DeForrest Buckner – Junior – Oregon; DeMarcus Christmas – Freshman – Florida State

**BONUS RUNNER-UP**

Tracy SprinkleA big shout-out to my man Tracy Sprinkle, who has to take an ungodly amount of shit from his teammates. Fight on, T-Sprinkle.

Linebackers:

Xzavier Dickson EJ Levenberry Junior St. LouisI’ve never seen the name Xavier spelled with a Z, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most notable advances in names in the past 100 years. Junior is a great first name, but it has to be paired with the right last name for it to show it’s true glory. St. Louis is perfect. Runners-up: Paden Crowder – Junior – Alabama; Ivan Faulhaber – Freshman – Oregon

Defensive Backs:

Laurence Hootie Jones Mattrell McGraw Osner Valmeus copy Lamarcus BrutusFor some reason Osner Valmeus didn’t have a picture included in his bio. No problem, I just Googled “Guy I don’t want to mess with” and boom! Osner Valmeus. And Lamarcus Brutus! Are you kidding me? Look at his expression in that picture. Football players are not humans to Lamarcus Brutus, they’re just people he needs to destroy.

And there we have it, your 2014 NCAA Football Playoff All-Name Team.

 

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